I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the cancer that makes you sick…it’s the chemo. Since starting chemo I’ve had all kinds of problems that I’ve never had before (frequent spells of nausea, constipation, heartburn, acne, uncontrollable gas, etc). As a matter of fact I didn’t even feel sick when I was diagnosed with cancer. I “think” I finally have everything under control however, I go to chemo again this week and I’m afraid that everything will start all over again or I’ll develop new ailments.
The only thing I have left to conquer or get under control this week is my mental state. Like many women, I’ve always had trouble sleeping at night. However, I read an essay earlier this week titled Night School. In the essay Kathy, a breast cancer survivor, described how she’d wake up in the middle of the night with her heart pounding, trembling, sobbing, and worrying. She referred to these times as “God’s night classes.” She said that God often wakens us in the middle of the night during difficult times for the simple reason that it is quiet and there is nothing to distract us from communicating with him and with everything around us dark and silent, we can talk to him, and we can listen to what he has to tell us.
I’ve begun to use my nightly wake-up calls as God’s night classes also. I pray for many things but mostly the courage to get through all of this.
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